I want 2018 to be the year I stop apologizing.
When we graduated this year, I suggested to my “best friend” we do something together. This person who knows me, and has for 11years said “Lets get drunk together! Omg we’ve never done that before.”
To which I said, basically, “No thanks.” And I found myself apologizing for being boring, for being an old lady. We can have drinks, but I’m not getting drunk.
I’m constantly encouraged by someone close to me to “try getting drunk and just have fun!” I’ve been told it’s so disappointing. I’ve been told “that’s just part of life”
I feel like I need to apologize for not having any interest in weed or ever getting high. Like I need to apologize that certain things in my life have lead me to feel overwhelming anxiety just at the thought of being around someone who’s stoned. That the mere mention of weed makes me tense up. That the smell makes my stomach churn.
“But it’s not a bad thing!” And I apologize, as if my life experiences aren’t valid and I need to completely change myself to fit the Popular Idea. How does my lack of interest and personal disdain ( due to Personal Life Events ) of recreational substance use make me the bad guy? I don’t impose this on anybody, I politely decline, I avoid. Even if it’s been Black and White with the people in my life, I know that it’s not. Oh, look, I’m apologizing. Even now,
And I feel like I need to apologize for not wearing low cut tops and tight dresses, apologize for having a more modest style. I need to apologize for not being Crude. For being Private. For being completely immovable from personal self set Boundaries, apologize for being uncomfortable when male managers put their hands on my back while I’m not paying attention or complimenting me in a way I don’t believe they should while I’m working or writing people off after Bad First Impressions. Apologize that thinking small surface level things and preferences are actually very indicative of someone’s True Character and Apologizing for being Judgemental (even when it turns out to be right)
Apologize for being Too Patient (or so I’m told). Apologize for being afraid or angry or upset or nervous. Apologize for having feelings, for having a crush, for being Fucking Human.
I feel like I have to apologize every time I disagree with someone. As if I’m wrong, as if I need to change and reevaluate my opinions and personal preferences and ideals and beliefs and life experiences.
I’m tired of feeling like I need to constantly make everyone in my life completely happy and understood and respected and mould myself to them at all times. That I need to apologize every time I complain or rant or vent, or holding back because I don’t want to Inconvience them with my bad day.
I spent my high school years tight lipped about something as stupid as liking Taylor Swift because my friends hated her and made fun of me the one time I expressed interest. I spent high school researching things I wasn’t interested in so I could try and share my friends Excitement and then apologizing when I tried to get them to like things that I Liked.
One year, I put a lot of effort and had a lot of fun putting two surprise birthday care packages for two friends. When my birthday rolled around, I didn’t even get a card. I got two texts and I felt I couldn’t be upset about it, even as I ranted about it. I should understand why they didn’t do it, maybe they hadn’t the time, or money or or or or….and so I apologized for feeling Hurt and never said a thing about it to either of them.
It’s been years of me feeling like I need to understand and tend to everyone around me. On one hand, I am happy to do it. I am happy to be the person who tries but on the other….I’m just so fucking sick of it because it’s been rare that anyone has ever done that for me.
And I feel like I need to apologize for writing something like this at all.
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